Confession Time

Anyone who reads this blog probably knows that I am not a girly girl. At all. I like to watch Sportscenter probably more than my husband does. I grew up with a shrine to Michael Jordan hanging above my bed. I didn’t discover eyebrow tweezing until 12th grade (exhibit 1: my junior year picture, just take my word for it). My varsity jacket was the boy version, not the “cheesy” one with the zippered hood. Back in elementary school, I had a knotted hairball on the back of my head so gnarly that it took the Super Cuts girl an hour to comb it out. I’m pretty sure this happened multiple times. Those poor Super Cuts girls, they probably drew straws when they saw me coming! Maybe it’s because I was so tall growing up, liked to play sports, and felt awkward, that I never felt like I fit in with girls that well. I was that girl who was friends with boys. Yes I did have some amazing girl friends, but I was so not the girly one.
Long story short (too late!), along the way from then to now, I think I have gotten much better in the girly department. I do love to shop, I like makeup and I’d like to think that I have some form of my own style. But still, I always dreamed that I would be raising boys. I would have a couple sons, and then maybe throw a daughter in there just for fun. I had it all planned out, didn’t you know that God? So there I was in 2008, pregnant with my first boy, right? I vividly remember the ultrasound tech telling me, “it looks like you have a little princess here!” I thought there must be some mistake. But I hated the feeling of being disappointed when I had this amazing miracle growing in my belly. Then a few months later I met the 2nd love of my life and I couldn’t believe how blessed I was. My beautiful, sassy, hilarious daughter Carys Jordan (yes, named after that Jordan), I wouldn’t trade her for anything in the entire world. I really do love having a daughter!

So now in 2010, I was ready to have a son. OK Lord, I told him, you taught me a great lesson with my daughter and now I know you were right all along, so now gimme that boy!….right? This time my doctor even told me, the heartbeat sounds like a boys because it’s slower, I felt different this time around, heartburn and other stuff, it must be a boy. I was all pumped up, and there we are looking at the baby’s legs spread eagle on the ultrasound….ain’t nothing going on down there except 3 little lines and this baby is a GIRL too! I felt like a terrible mama yet again, I should be really excited! I cried in the parking lot while Nathan hugged me, I couldn’t believe I reacted this way. What I was acting like was a spoiled brat who doesn’t know what is good for them. The next 2 days I kept thinking about the baby I wasn’t going to have, more than the baby that I was having. Oh it sounds so mean when I read that! Now I know that the Lord is showing me something about His will, that it is ALWAYS better than ours. I know this sounds like Christianity 101, but its something that is truly learned when you are faced with a certain reality. Easy to say, but not always easy to take. It was my pride that led me to think that I know how my life is supposed to go, and this pride is truly ingrained in our flesh. We can’t overcome it without HIS help. And He is also telling me that I am girly, I am His daughter, and I am not defined by anything but that.

I am so thankful that God always gives us another chance, when we are repentant after acting like complete fools. His mercies really are new every morning. I started to think about women who can’t even conceive a child, who am I to be even thinking this way at all? I think about how much fun I have with Carys, dressing her, snuggling with her and decorating her room…..and how much I just absolutely adore her. How she loves tutus and kitties, dinosaurs and elephants.

And I rejoice at the thought of the 3rd love of my life that is coming my way.